VAMPIRE PROBLEMS
Written by Stewart Stone and Dawn Riddle.
Starring: Christie MacClean, Joel Statz, Stewart Stone, Jeremy Romagna, Jac Delorey, Landon
Interpreted by Dawn and Dar Rosteck
ACT I
SCENE I
Grocery store- Interior
Old man (Paul Thompson), bummed out, buying elderly man-food. Soft
foods, enema, etc.
PT: [Grumbles]
Buying items at counter
Clerk [boring voice]: Hi. Enema. Ensure. Boiled
carrots.
OM: You think I like this stuff?
Clerk: (While scanning adult diapers) Depends.
Paul leaves store.
Street Scene – Night
PT: Oh this cold night hurts my brittle bones. At 85
I'm all alone.
SONG
PT: My wife has died my kids are gone
Someone tell me, why I should go on?
I'm waiting for the end, to come and set me free
So I will not be bound to anything earthly
I used to run, I rode a bike
I ruled the school, I loved my life
I drank the wine, I ate the food
That now I can't even fucking chew.
I'm waiting for the end to come and set me free
So I will not be bound to anything earthly
[Enter Vampire (Andrew)]
PT: Awaiting my last breath
ANDREW: What's that I hear?
PT: Tell me, where is death?
ANDREW: The answer is clear!
PT: Have mercy on me?
ANDREW: I'm here.
PT: Change my address to R.I.P.
ANDREW: I'm here!
CHORUS:
PT: I'm waiting for the end to come and set me free
ANDREW: I was on the hunt, looking for a meal
PT: So I will not be bound to anything earthly
ANDREW: I will set you free from anything earthly.
PT: What?
ANDREW: Don't stress out about it. [bite]
[Old man's body dies. Chaotic music. Old man
collapses. Lays still. Wakes up.]
PT: What is going on, young man?
ANDREW [laughing]: A young man, at 379! Ha! You'd better
come with me.
SCENE II:
Vampire's Lair.
A group of 4 young, hip vampires hanging out in a dark
room listening to The Postal Service. Enter Vampire
and PT.
ANDREW: What's up, suckers?
VAMPS: Hey, Andrew.
VAMP 1: Dude, is that, like, your dad?
ANDREW: No, he's one of us now. He's cool. [to PT] Hey,
what's your name?
PT: Paul Thompson.
[Vampires laugh]
V2: Andrew, I can't believe you drank from this loser!
[Vampires laugh]
V1: Hey, this isn't the senior center!
V2: Yeah, the bingo game was cancelled!
V3: Nice Cardigan!
V4: You don't belong here!
SONG
Vamp 1:
I don't know why you came
There must have been some mistake
Because you just don't belong
So you better get on
COLD BLOOD NOT OLDE BLOOD
Vamp 2:
Who are you old man?
Comin into our lair tonight
Who are you old man?
Your teeth are too dull to bite!
COLD BLOOD NOT OLD BLOOD
Vamp 3:
We don't wanna see you around
There's not room enough in this town
We're young, we're dead, and we're proud
You know you'll just bring us down
COLD BLOOD NOT OLD BLOOD
Andrew:
I heard your cry on the street tonight
I ended your pain with my bite!
But you're not one of US now
I helped you then, but now you're out
COLD BLOOD NOT OLD BLOOD (with improv'd outro)
ANDREW exits, disgraced. Andrew runs after with a
coffin.
ANDREW: Here, take this…you'll need it.
Scene III
PT on the street, walking around, dejected.
PT: (to himself) I don't want to believe it, but all
signs point to me having been turned into a vampire.
A vampire! At 85! Preposterous. I asked for death
and what did I get? Eternal life! I was ready to lie
down in my coffin, not drag it around with me. I
guess I'll just bring it back to my apartment.
But I'm sooo hungry….
(Puts down Coffin and waits)
Enter some guy.
PT: (to himself) alright, here goes nothing….
Excuse me young man! I was wondering if you could give
me a hand with something…
SG: Sure gramps, what do you need?
PT: Can you help me carry this box into my apartment?
SG: Uh…okay.
They drag coffin off stage.
Scene IV
PT's apt.
PT: Just put it over there…
As guy sets coffin down old man walks behind him.
Music swells indicating a tense moment.
PT tried to bite guy, but his teeth aren't sharp
enough. He ends up just gnawing his neck. Guy is
creeped out, but the old man keeps trying to bite him.
After a really long awkward scene, the guy gets away.
The PT takes out his dentures, puts them in
water, climbs into his coffin and slams the door.
Scene V
PT's apartment.
PT wakes up, reaches for his dentures. As if a light
bulb has gone off in his head he gets up and looks
around.
PT: Of course, if used fake teeth in life it makes
sense I'd need them in death.
He finds a file and starts sharpening the fangs of his
dentures.
He puts them in and smiles for the audience.
PT: Hopefully I will fair better tonight.
He exits.
Intermission.
Scene VI
PT is out on the prowl. He spots his first victim…a
young lady. He walks up to her and tries to grab her.
She freaks out, hits him with her purse and runs away.
He walks on.
He sees a man, tries again, again his victim escapes.
This happens a few more times, with funny music and
chase scenes.
Finally he just gives up.
Song (3 background dancers/singers enter)
PT: What has become of me?
Background: I just can't win!
PT: I've lost my identity
Background: And I don't know what to think (x4)
PT: I can't bite, so I can't feed.
Background: I just can't win!
PT: Got a lot of time to sort things out, but
All: I don't know what to think (x4)
PT: I've led such a long life
Background: I just can't win!
PT: Now I've got an even longer life and I
All: I don't know what to think (x4)
PT: And now I'm going hungry
Almost at the end of his rope, PT looks up and sees a
sign for a retirement home.
Scene VII
PT enters the retirement home. There are other
elderly oldsters milling around.
Old Woman: hey, you're new! Would you like to play
some Parcheesi in the lounge?
PT: Uh…I guess so…
He joins the game.
Everyone talks about old stuff and plays. After the
game PT follows OW out of the lounge. He bites her and
she becomes a vampire.
She wakes up and he tells her about life as the
undead.
SONG
PT: You thought your life was over, you thought your life was through. Now you're here to start again. Your life is new.
Old Woman: I thought my life was over, I thought that I was through. But now I can to start again. My life is new!
Mid song, other senior interrupts to tell them to keep
it down. They bite her, changing her and she joins the
song. This goes on as all the seniors are converted.
The song builds to a crushing crescendo as the chorus
grows.
Lights OFF!
Scene VIII
Andrew wanders the streets (through the audience)
calling Paul's name.
Andrew: Paul Thompson…! Oh, this is all my fault. I
just wanted to help…but now I've made things worse
than they were. I don't know what I've done.
PT enters and goes to Andrew.
PT: Andrew, what is up sucker?
Andrew: Oh Mr. Thompson, I'm so glad I found you. I
feel awful about what happened. If there's anything I
can do just say the word.
PT: well, actually, I do have a job you could do…
Andrew: Of course, anything!
PT: Come on in…and by the way, call me grampa.
The two enter the RH hand in hand.
Scene IX
A sign goes by "6 months later"
At this point all the young vampires are working as
staff members at the RH. Everyone is jolly. Andrew
works at the front desk, while other vamps sweep, help
old vampire ladies walk, lug coffins around, etc.
A new family brings their elderly grandma in…in a
wheelchair.
Andrew: Oh yes, we have nothing but the finest
facilities here. I'm sure she'll feel right at home.
Dad: Um…why am I seeing so many coffins around? I
mean, I thought a place like this is supposed to help
them (whispered) not think about dying…
Andrew: We work with a new kind of philosophy here…you
know, we help them get acquainted with the idea of
death. We've actually found that it drastically
increases the length of their lives.
Mom: Well alright…
Okay mom, you're going to be real comfortable here.
We'll be back next week to check up on you..
(to Andrew) Thanks for all your help
Family leave and Andrew wheels the woman into center
stage. Slowly all the other dead seniors stop what
they're doing and converge on her in a circle. As the
lights dim, they lean over here…biting is implied.
All at once the light get bright as she stands up, no
longer confined to her chair. They all sing a finale
song. VAMPIRE PROBLEMS WE'VE ALL GOT THEM!
